meh. the previous post is acting wonky and weird. i tried fixing it.
*gives up* -.-"
life is so unfair.
...but i don't wish for a utopia.
...and i don't want to be so egoistical.
2 posts in one day? 'coz as i said, the post below is acting weird. *rants*
see ya,
mariel *eating marshmallows, which tastes like air*
Saturday, March 29, 2008
...life's a mess.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit..tonight
-Breaking the habit - Linkin Park
i dunno, this song pretty much summarizes what i've been through this whole week. Don't ask me why.
i try to change in a positive way...but it's my own self that's been keeping me from changing.
...and i really don't know why i have been this way. i wasn't like this when i was sec 1...
yeah, i've been at amanda's blog, reading her blogpost...and i guess i've been busier these days. busy enough to forget to have time for myself, my friends, my family.
...sooner or later i might forget these people exist altogether...and i don't want that to happen.
and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. i don't want to be an elitist. i don't want to end up hating myself.
...and maybe i am the person outcasting myself.
...let me explain everything that happened that i think made me this way.
...i became immature after that "unforgettable event" happened. it was something that left me scarred emotionally and somehow mentally, even now it still gives me the jibblies. i mean, after that whole thing happened, i kinda cracked up. yeah, some my think of me having that post-traumatic stress disorder.
also, after that, i ended up insecure and started not trusting anyone.
...but this doesn't mean i'll blame it all after that event.
even before that day, i felt kinda abandoned, 'coz my parents directed their attention to brother instead of me...okay, it does sound kinda brat-like of me to do so, but i got used to the attention after all those 7 years. after that i started seeking attention from my other schoolmates...and it kinda stuck on me the impression that my parents will give me attention after getting high grades and stuff.
...well, i was wrong. even if i know it's was wrong, i still have the urge to have high grades just to have my parents i impressed. 'coz now i kinda had that the mindset that it was the only thing that impresses them.
...and perhaps i acted like an elitist nowadays. i dunno why. i know i hated elitists, i might end up hating myself.
...actually i hated myself already. i don't like the way i ended up right now. if i could wish for anything i'd wish that i was stupid instead of being smart so that i wouldn't be so arrogant and stuff...and i'd wish i could turn back time just to prevent all those bad things from happening.
...but what has passed, passed, and cannot be changed.
...but i can change the present, can't i?
...some people might think i'm all perfect, with a very happy family and stuff.
i am not perfect. i am not always happy. i cry. i lost a lot of people who were quite close to me.
...and besides, i'm fat.
maybe i was the person that i hated the most. not asraf, nor anybody else. i was kinda like, everything i hated.
...but this doesn't mean i'll go for self-mutilation. i don't like the whole idea of slashing myself, 'coz i'm scared of dying. that's why even though i've thought of killing myself a lot of times, i couldn't bring myself to it, 'coz i'm scared to die, 'coz i fear of ending up in...that horrible place we call "hell".
i lie a lot of times, but that doesn't mean that i did lie to my deutschlehrer as he accuses me i did (it was a complete misunderstanding. i was practically a blur most of the time when i'm in my german class, 'coz it's at wednesdays and fridays that i procrastinate the most)...i'm so sick of lying. i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of living a big lie. i'm sick of keeping up the image of a perfect person (everybody's fool - evanescence...it reminds me of that song)...i'm sick of the whole competition (class, whatever). i'm sick of people wanting me to be what they want me to be(why is my life a whole bunch of theme songs?!...btw, this sounds like perfect - simple plan)
i wanted to quit a lot of times. but there are some things that keep me going. unfortunately, i'm not sure what it is.
...at least now i know what amanda thinks of me...one down, a lot more to go before i die.
how many years to go before i die? 'coz i can't wait any longer. i'm not a very patient, no?
i wonder how many people will be at my funeral? i wonder what my funeral will be like? i wonder how will i die? i wonder who will do my eulogy? ...and i wonder if anyone will miss me? how many will forget me?
...will anyone care if i die?...will i die unnoticed?
...why am i asking about my death? *shudders*...this is so wrong.
yes, my life is a complete mess. i must go and fix it.
...so, notes to self:
1. be more open-minded
2. be less childish
3. stop living in the past
4. be less of an elitist
5. be less arrogant
6. try to have free time to spend with people who are close to me...so that i won't regret anything before i die.
7. cut out those empty promises.
8. try not to hurt anyone's feelings
9. learn to trust someone
10. be less over-protective
...and the list goes on...miles away.
...but this blogpost isn't my full story, yet. there are a lot more things that happened to me, i can't bring it up...i-i-i c-c-can't...*stutters*...it's just too horrible.
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done
- What I've Done - Linkin Park
see ya,
mariel
(i hope this blogpost doesn't prove i'm emo...i try not to be one.)
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit..tonight
-Breaking the habit - Linkin Park
i dunno, this song pretty much summarizes what i've been through this whole week. Don't ask me why.
i try to change in a positive way...but it's my own self that's been keeping me from changing.
...and i really don't know why i have been this way. i wasn't like this when i was sec 1...
yeah, i've been at amanda's blog, reading her blogpost...and i guess i've been busier these days. busy enough to forget to have time for myself, my friends, my family.
...sooner or later i might forget these people exist altogether...and i don't want that to happen.
and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. i don't want to be an elitist. i don't want to end up hating myself.
...and maybe i am the person outcasting myself.
...let me explain everything that happened that i think made me this way.
...i became immature after that "unforgettable event" happened. it was something that left me scarred emotionally and somehow mentally, even now it still gives me the jibblies. i mean, after that whole thing happened, i kinda cracked up. yeah, some my think of me having that post-traumatic stress disorder.
also, after that, i ended up insecure and started not trusting anyone.
...but this doesn't mean i'll blame it all after that event.
even before that day, i felt kinda abandoned, 'coz my parents directed their attention to brother instead of me...okay, it does sound kinda brat-like of me to do so, but i got used to the attention after all those 7 years. after that i started seeking attention from my other schoolmates...and it kinda stuck on me the impression that my parents will give me attention after getting high grades and stuff.
...well, i was wrong. even if i know it's was wrong, i still have the urge to have high grades just to have my parents i impressed. 'coz now i kinda had that the mindset that it was the only thing that impresses them.
...and perhaps i acted like an elitist nowadays. i dunno why. i know i hated elitists, i might end up hating myself.
...actually i hated myself already. i don't like the way i ended up right now. if i could wish for anything i'd wish that i was stupid instead of being smart so that i wouldn't be so arrogant and stuff...and i'd wish i could turn back time just to prevent all those bad things from happening.
...but what has passed, passed, and cannot be changed.
...but i can change the present, can't i?
...some people might think i'm all perfect, with a very happy family and stuff.
i am not perfect. i am not always happy. i cry. i lost a lot of people who were quite close to me.
...and besides, i'm fat.
maybe i was the person that i hated the most. not asraf, nor anybody else. i was kinda like, everything i hated.
...but this doesn't mean i'll go for self-mutilation. i don't like the whole idea of slashing myself, 'coz i'm scared of dying. that's why even though i've thought of killing myself a lot of times, i couldn't bring myself to it, 'coz i'm scared to die, 'coz i fear of ending up in...that horrible place we call "hell".
i lie a lot of times, but that doesn't mean that i did lie to my deutschlehrer as he accuses me i did (it was a complete misunderstanding. i was practically a blur most of the time when i'm in my german class, 'coz it's at wednesdays and fridays that i procrastinate the most)...i'm so sick of lying. i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of living a big lie. i'm sick of keeping up the image of a perfect person (everybody's fool - evanescence...it reminds me of that song)...i'm sick of the whole competition (class, whatever). i'm sick of people wanting me to be what they want me to be(why is my life a whole bunch of theme songs?!...btw, this sounds like perfect - simple plan)
i wanted to quit a lot of times. but there are some things that keep me going. unfortunately, i'm not sure what it is.
...at least now i know what amanda thinks of me...one down, a lot more to go before i die.
how many years to go before i die? 'coz i can't wait any longer. i'm not a very patient, no?
i wonder how many people will be at my funeral? i wonder what my funeral will be like? i wonder how will i die? i wonder who will do my eulogy? ...and i wonder if anyone will miss me? how many will forget me?
...will anyone care if i die?...will i die unnoticed?
...why am i asking about my death? *shudders*...this is so wrong.
yes, my life is a complete mess. i must go and fix it.
...so, notes to self:
1. be more open-minded
2. be less childish
3. stop living in the past
4. be less of an elitist
5. be less arrogant
6. try to have free time to spend with people who are close to me...so that i won't regret anything before i die.
7. cut out those empty promises.
8. try not to hurt anyone's feelings
9. learn to trust someone
10. be less over-protective
...and the list goes on...miles away.
...but this blogpost isn't my full story, yet. there are a lot more things that happened to me, i can't bring it up...i-i-i c-c-can't...*stutters*...it's just too horrible.
I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done
- What I've Done - Linkin Park
see ya,
mariel
(i hope this blogpost doesn't prove i'm emo...i try not to be one.)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
dangit
dun have anything to say.
just want to make sure the blog ain't cobwebbed.
toodles and see ya,
mariel :P
just want to make sure the blog ain't cobwebbed.
toodles and see ya,
mariel :P
Monday, March 10, 2008
of school, weird stuff and ranting.
i won't go into the old system again.
meh. this past few weeks has been rainy. i like the rain, but i don't like when it rains on the holidays and if i have guests on those days.
and i positively don't like going back to school on the holidays...and holiday homework.
who suggested going back to school on holidays and doing holiday homework?
you people are weird.
i don't have much to rant about though.
last saturday i went for the nus geography challenge with ms choo, a sec 2 girl named hannah (amanda, you know her?), a sec 2 guy named mervin, and 2 sec 4 girls whose names i couldn't remember. man, even if we wouldn't get in the top 30, we were one heck of a team. i mean, i had fun, although i was quite reluctant.
...but the questions were pure geography material. dang it...except for the second part of the prelims. it was when it started to get fun. ^^
...i didn't go for choir practice. why?
> 'coz i don't like the idea of going back to school on holidays. i am against the whole idea.
> i'm busy entertaining guests, who happens to be my relatives. can't i have quality time with my relatives? i know this isn't a valid reason for you choir leaders and teacher in charge, but, i think my family comes first before anything else 'coz i wouldn't be in school without them, wouldn't i? *rhetorical question*
> like i said, i'm a family-oriented person. i want to spend time with them while i can, and while they're still alive, 'coz i can't spend time with them when they're dead *touches wood*. yeah, i wouldn't much use to a dead person, wouldn't i? *another rhetorical question*
ok. so i didn't come to lenten vigil too. i wasn't able to come 'coz i wasn't feeling well, i was in jurong...and i didn't take an afternoon nap.
...why was i in jurong?...i was supposed to take something there, i can't recall what was it, and well, it so happens that...i forgot what happens next, i have a bad sense of memory...
ok. now to do what i was here for.
i'm gonna do what xin ying did, 'coz i can't keep in my feelings any longer.
...and i have to admit, i'm slightly emo xD (it doesn't show?...this proves i'm good at faking that i'm not. xP)
joanna: ....*sigh* do you really wanna know? if you don't want to get hurt, close this window.
i've got to admit.you can be quite annoying sometimes, i just don't dare say it. i don't mean to backstab and such, though...i'm still jealous that you were able to change to another school, and i'm quite annoyed about the reason why you changed school...but i don't mean to be selfish and stuff...which is probably the reason i let it go. i don't call much anymore, and sometimes when you call me, you always hear me like i'm in a hurry. times have changed, i don't have much time anymore, which leads my life into an imminent disaster. x.x
...and besides, i've learned the the school's reputation is nothing without its students. so, i'm trying to clear up the school's name on academics: by topping the school's o-levels with a whooping score...a score high enough to let me enter victoria junior college. i know it's impossible, but hey, flying was thought impossible until airplanes were introduced. ^^
...yeah, but it still something too much. :P
...but, this doesn't mean that i hate you. i still like you, 'coz you're still someone i can relate to...and you're someone that is too good to lose. may your relationship with hamza won't be a flop. ^^
amanda:...a lot has changed from the past three years, no?...i remember you saying that you are straight-forward person, so i'm gonna be straight-forward to you too.
you used to be that person who i can hang out with. i used to think of you as very cool and stuff, 'coz, well, i don't remember. i've always thought of you as a good leader before, but, as i've said, things have changed.
...you became more childish, no offense...it's as if you've grown backwards or something. you want things done your way, like that chemistry test mrs koh gave us recently, remember? i remember you saying that if you fail the test, you're gonna blame it on mrs koh. i know you were joking on that part, but what if people take it for granted? i say if the teacher is lousy, i'd do my own work instead, or you could go for tuition. ain't that a simple solution? you can't blame a teacher for teaching that way, 'coz that's her technique. if you don't like it, you could tell her about what you don't like about the way she/he teaches. it won't be solved unless someone does something, right?
...you have also become more selfish, and more of a spoiled brat. yes, you've told me last year that you are quite spoiled, and i told you that you weren't like that. maybe i was wrong. maybe i haven't seen your real side yet.
...you used to be...well...quite approachable. you used to be someone i could talk to...you used to be someone who goes in the same bus as me and talk about a lot of stuff. maybe i was too boring for you, i wouldn't mind...maybe i was too arrogant and cynical, or maybe i still am, i'm trying to improve on it...and you used to say vulgarities not so often. now it seems like vulgarities are part of your vocabulary, which is not a good image for a rite-awardee like you. can you please cut down on them? but this is merely a suggestion, i'm not forcing you to do anything, kapeesh?
...and ever since you went really serious about the whole "les" thing, you went really crazy, as in annoying-type crazy...you became even more sick-minded. you go emo when trina ignores you. i want the old amanda back, but i can't force people to do my bidding, can i?
(btw, i am being outcasted, and you don't need to apologize. it's too late, and i'm outcasting myself from the whole gang. i know the clique is falling apart, and, well, i think it's too late to fix it, not that i'm being a pessimist)
michael: i know you like corrinne (or however you spell it)...i don't like her that much, but don't let my thoughts get in the way of your feelings. if you really like her, then fine, as long as you're happy. if others don't like you being together, then heck care what they think. what matters most is what you feel...but, please do not forget your friends, 'coz corrinne isn't the only person in the world. and if she rejects you, don't mope around and go emo. respect her decision. she isn't the only girl in the world. probably now ain't the time for you to have a girlfriend, so don't rush. and besides, there are more girls in the world that you haven't met, and you can't be sure corrinne's the one for you...but that doesn't mean that you go date every single girl on the planet, 'coz that is extremely weird.
...btw, i like your decision to turn over a new leaf. i wanted to turn over a new leaf too, but my own self kept stopping me from doing so. but i am trying, though. ^^
xin ying: ...yes i did say things do change, and i'm not the only one seeing the changes.
...yes, you did become a bit weird, but not weird to the point of being crazy...you weren't so emo as before, and i like it. ^^
amanda did say once the you don't "click" anymore, that you were being annoying. but i don't think that you are annoying...seriously. i am not being biased, 'coz that would mean that i am lying, which i don't plan to do right now.
...a lot of things did change for the past three years that i have been here.
...to the whole lot that has been reading this: i have noticed that i've changed a lot too. i've made new friends this year, i have seen things from a different perspective, a lot has seiously changed. but that doesn't mean i like everything that has changed from my past personality. it seems like i have been more arrogant (i've said it before and i'll say it again)...i have been trying to humble myself. it's just me who's been stubborn.
...well.. i can't think of anything else to say. i'm not hiding any more stuff in the head.
man, ranting stuff is fun ^^
see ya,
mariel ^^
meh. this past few weeks has been rainy. i like the rain, but i don't like when it rains on the holidays and if i have guests on those days.
and i positively don't like going back to school on the holidays...and holiday homework.
who suggested going back to school on holidays and doing holiday homework?
you people are weird.
i don't have much to rant about though.
last saturday i went for the nus geography challenge with ms choo, a sec 2 girl named hannah (amanda, you know her?), a sec 2 guy named mervin, and 2 sec 4 girls whose names i couldn't remember. man, even if we wouldn't get in the top 30, we were one heck of a team. i mean, i had fun, although i was quite reluctant.
...but the questions were pure geography material. dang it...except for the second part of the prelims. it was when it started to get fun. ^^
...i didn't go for choir practice. why?
> 'coz i don't like the idea of going back to school on holidays. i am against the whole idea.
> i'm busy entertaining guests, who happens to be my relatives. can't i have quality time with my relatives? i know this isn't a valid reason for you choir leaders and teacher in charge, but, i think my family comes first before anything else 'coz i wouldn't be in school without them, wouldn't i? *rhetorical question*
> like i said, i'm a family-oriented person. i want to spend time with them while i can, and while they're still alive, 'coz i can't spend time with them when they're dead *touches wood*. yeah, i wouldn't much use to a dead person, wouldn't i? *another rhetorical question*
ok. so i didn't come to lenten vigil too. i wasn't able to come 'coz i wasn't feeling well, i was in jurong...and i didn't take an afternoon nap.
...why was i in jurong?...i was supposed to take something there, i can't recall what was it, and well, it so happens that...i forgot what happens next, i have a bad sense of memory...
ok. now to do what i was here for.
i'm gonna do what xin ying did, 'coz i can't keep in my feelings any longer.
...and i have to admit, i'm slightly emo xD (it doesn't show?...this proves i'm good at faking that i'm not. xP)
joanna: ....*sigh* do you really wanna know? if you don't want to get hurt, close this window.
i've got to admit.you can be quite annoying sometimes, i just don't dare say it. i don't mean to backstab and such, though...i'm still jealous that you were able to change to another school, and i'm quite annoyed about the reason why you changed school...but i don't mean to be selfish and stuff...which is probably the reason i let it go. i don't call much anymore, and sometimes when you call me, you always hear me like i'm in a hurry. times have changed, i don't have much time anymore, which leads my life into an imminent disaster. x.x
...and besides, i've learned the the school's reputation is nothing without its students. so, i'm trying to clear up the school's name on academics: by topping the school's o-levels with a whooping score...a score high enough to let me enter victoria junior college. i know it's impossible, but hey, flying was thought impossible until airplanes were introduced. ^^
...yeah, but it still something too much. :P
...but, this doesn't mean that i hate you. i still like you, 'coz you're still someone i can relate to...and you're someone that is too good to lose. may your relationship with hamza won't be a flop. ^^
amanda:...a lot has changed from the past three years, no?...i remember you saying that you are straight-forward person, so i'm gonna be straight-forward to you too.
you used to be that person who i can hang out with. i used to think of you as very cool and stuff, 'coz, well, i don't remember. i've always thought of you as a good leader before, but, as i've said, things have changed.
...you became more childish, no offense...it's as if you've grown backwards or something. you want things done your way, like that chemistry test mrs koh gave us recently, remember? i remember you saying that if you fail the test, you're gonna blame it on mrs koh. i know you were joking on that part, but what if people take it for granted? i say if the teacher is lousy, i'd do my own work instead, or you could go for tuition. ain't that a simple solution? you can't blame a teacher for teaching that way, 'coz that's her technique. if you don't like it, you could tell her about what you don't like about the way she/he teaches. it won't be solved unless someone does something, right?
...you have also become more selfish, and more of a spoiled brat. yes, you've told me last year that you are quite spoiled, and i told you that you weren't like that. maybe i was wrong. maybe i haven't seen your real side yet.
...you used to be...well...quite approachable. you used to be someone i could talk to...you used to be someone who goes in the same bus as me and talk about a lot of stuff. maybe i was too boring for you, i wouldn't mind...maybe i was too arrogant and cynical, or maybe i still am, i'm trying to improve on it...and you used to say vulgarities not so often. now it seems like vulgarities are part of your vocabulary, which is not a good image for a rite-awardee like you. can you please cut down on them? but this is merely a suggestion, i'm not forcing you to do anything, kapeesh?
...and ever since you went really serious about the whole "les" thing, you went really crazy, as in annoying-type crazy...you became even more sick-minded. you go emo when trina ignores you. i want the old amanda back, but i can't force people to do my bidding, can i?
(btw, i am being outcasted, and you don't need to apologize. it's too late, and i'm outcasting myself from the whole gang. i know the clique is falling apart, and, well, i think it's too late to fix it, not that i'm being a pessimist)
michael: i know you like corrinne (or however you spell it)...i don't like her that much, but don't let my thoughts get in the way of your feelings. if you really like her, then fine, as long as you're happy. if others don't like you being together, then heck care what they think. what matters most is what you feel...but, please do not forget your friends, 'coz corrinne isn't the only person in the world. and if she rejects you, don't mope around and go emo. respect her decision. she isn't the only girl in the world. probably now ain't the time for you to have a girlfriend, so don't rush. and besides, there are more girls in the world that you haven't met, and you can't be sure corrinne's the one for you...but that doesn't mean that you go date every single girl on the planet, 'coz that is extremely weird.
...btw, i like your decision to turn over a new leaf. i wanted to turn over a new leaf too, but my own self kept stopping me from doing so. but i am trying, though. ^^
xin ying: ...yes i did say things do change, and i'm not the only one seeing the changes.
...yes, you did become a bit weird, but not weird to the point of being crazy...you weren't so emo as before, and i like it. ^^
amanda did say once the you don't "click" anymore, that you were being annoying. but i don't think that you are annoying...seriously. i am not being biased, 'coz that would mean that i am lying, which i don't plan to do right now.
...a lot of things did change for the past three years that i have been here.
...to the whole lot that has been reading this: i have noticed that i've changed a lot too. i've made new friends this year, i have seen things from a different perspective, a lot has seiously changed. but that doesn't mean i like everything that has changed from my past personality. it seems like i have been more arrogant (i've said it before and i'll say it again)...i have been trying to humble myself. it's just me who's been stubborn.
...well.. i can't think of anything else to say. i'm not hiding any more stuff in the head.
man, ranting stuff is fun ^^
see ya,
mariel ^^
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