...life's a mess.

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit..tonight
-Breaking the habit - Linkin Park

i dunno, this song pretty much summarizes what i've been through this whole week. Don't ask me why.

i try to change in a positive way...but it's my own self that's been keeping me from changing.
...and i really don't know why i have been this way. i wasn't like this when i was sec 1...

yeah, i've been at amanda's blog, reading her blogpost...and i guess i've been busier these days. busy enough to forget to have time for myself, my friends, my family.
...sooner or later i might forget these people exist altogether...and i don't want that to happen.

and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. i don't want to be an elitist. i don't want to end up hating myself.
...and maybe i am the person outcasting myself.

...let me explain everything that happened that i think made me this way.

...i became immature after that "unforgettable event" happened. it was something that left me scarred emotionally and somehow mentally, even now it still gives me the jibblies. i mean, after that whole thing happened, i kinda cracked up. yeah, some my think of me having that post-traumatic stress disorder.
also, after that, i ended up insecure and started not trusting anyone.
...but this doesn't mean i'll blame it all after that event.

even before that day, i felt kinda abandoned, 'coz my parents directed their attention to brother instead of me...okay, it does sound kinda brat-like of me to do so, but i got used to the attention after all those 7 years. after that i started seeking attention from my other schoolmates...and it kinda stuck on me the impression that my parents will give me attention after getting high grades and stuff.
...well, i was wrong. even if i know it's was wrong, i still have the urge to have high grades just to have my parents i impressed. 'coz now i kinda had that the mindset that it was the only thing that impresses them.

...and perhaps i acted like an elitist nowadays. i dunno why. i know i hated elitists, i might end up hating myself.
...actually i hated myself already. i don't like the way i ended up right now. if i could wish for anything i'd wish that i was stupid instead of being smart so that i wouldn't be so arrogant and stuff...and i'd wish i could turn back time just to prevent all those bad things from happening.
...but what has passed, passed, and cannot be changed.
...but i can change the present, can't i?

...some people might think i'm all perfect, with a very happy family and stuff.
i am not perfect. i am not always happy. i cry. i lost a lot of people who were quite close to me.
...and besides, i'm fat.
maybe i was the person that i hated the most. not asraf, nor anybody else. i was kinda like, everything i hated.
...but this doesn't mean i'll go for self-mutilation. i don't like the whole idea of slashing myself, 'coz i'm scared of dying. that's why even though i've thought of killing myself a lot of times, i couldn't bring myself to it, 'coz i'm scared to die, 'coz i fear of ending up in...that horrible place we call "hell".

i lie a lot of times, but that doesn't mean that i did lie to my deutschlehrer as he accuses me i did (it was a complete misunderstanding. i was practically a blur most of the time when i'm in my german class, 'coz it's at wednesdays and fridays that i procrastinate the most)...i'm so sick of lying. i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of living a big lie. i'm sick of keeping up the image of a perfect person (everybody's fool - evanescence...it reminds me of that song)...i'm sick of the whole competition (class, whatever). i'm sick of people wanting me to be what they want me to be(why is my life a whole bunch of theme songs?!...btw, this sounds like perfect - simple plan)
i wanted to quit a lot of times. but there are some things that keep me going. unfortunately, i'm not sure what it is.

...at least now i know what amanda thinks of me...one down, a lot more to go before i die.

how many years to go before i die? 'coz i can't wait any longer. i'm not a very patient, no?
i wonder how many people will be at my funeral? i wonder what my funeral will be like? i wonder how will i die? i wonder who will do my eulogy? ...and i wonder if anyone will miss me? how many will forget me?
...will anyone care if i die?...will i die unnoticed?
...why am i asking about my death? *shudders*...this is so wrong.

yes, my life is a complete mess. i must go and fix it.

...so, notes to self:
1. be more open-minded
2. be less childish
3. stop living in the past
4. be less of an elitist
5. be less arrogant
6. try to have free time to spend with people who are close to me...so that i won't regret anything before i die.
7. cut out those empty promises.
8. try not to hurt anyone's feelings
9. learn to trust someone
10. be less over-protective
...and the list goes on...miles away.

...but this blogpost isn't my full story, yet. there are a lot more things that happened to me, i can't bring it up...i-i-i c-c-can't...*stutters*...it's just too horrible.

I'll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done
- What I've Done - Linkin Park

see ya,

mariel

(i hope this blogpost doesn't prove i'm emo...i try not to be one.)