erm. yeah.

The post that's supposedly here isn't here, 'coz this one's also rushed.

whatever. i'm not feeling emo like last time, but i'm still quite, miserable. perhaps i'm just homesick.

err, wait, i am.

tonight btss' choir is out on a concert, this includes me...but, i'm not the most important person on this affair.

i somehow hate some of the leaders on choir, the only thing they do is to take attendance and take out the choir scores. and nag, even though they do the same thing also. i know they're not perfect and stuff, but...heck, i'm just confused.

there is also one person i hate the most in choir. i don't really understand why she hates me or tries to avoid me and the target of her naggings and stuff...i've been nice to her, ok? i can't remember a single day i've shown my hatred to her...although last year, i've been ignoring most of the juniors but that doesn't make much of a difference. have i intimidated her? perhaps only when i leave school, i will know.

[warning: offensive stuff below]
i dunno what's been going on with amanda lately. she seems rather cold to me...except perhaps when we're on the same bus...i think she's been ignoring me and stuff unless she's got something to ask me on schoolwork, i dunno.
i don't even think i'm in her "circle of friends", but that fact doesn't faze me that much. the only thing i'm worried about is if she hates me for, i dunno, getting some marks higher than her, or if she goes too emo she might, i dunno, i don't want to talk about it.

marks are just marks, it doesn't define how awesome your personality is. there might be a couple of people who's smart, but their personality are just plain despicable, there are others who are not so smart, but they're awesome to be with.
even if you don't succeed in school, you can even succeed in other stuff. i've heard of several successful people who haven't even finished school, and they have lots of money, but that doesn't mean you give up on it entirely.
and while i might sort-of hate huy for getting higher marks than me, the hatred's not so serious, we're friends, although i make fun of him most of the time, lol. (soyabean milk!)

the world doesn't revolve on anyone. except perhaps God, 'coz well, he created the world. you might feel ignored on that certain moment, but you don't really know how's it like to be ignored most of the time! you're not like me who struggles to stay in the group, fearing to be isolated...yes, the whole world knows now, i fear being isolated.

you've never felt what i felt duing those past few months, especially on the first few months of this school year. you can even check my diary on it. your feelings are nothing compared to mine, whcih i have been keeping since, i dunno, i was young, just to keep the people i love happy.
you never felt the hatred, the anger i felt, when someone robbed my house in philippines of those hard-earned stuff...you never felt what it's like being bullied by people just 'coz you looked chinese and fat in a school where there were rarely international students who came it.
lastly, you never felt how much stress i've been facing, just to keep my parents (and relatives) proud of me...i fear being shamed of and failing everything i worked so hard for.

you dunno what it's like to be like me. you might think your life's a nightmare. you think you're life's awful. you think you're being treated as invisible. wait 'til you see life in my shoes.

social reject? i've been one since secondary school began, and had been trying hard to get me out of it.
you can't really blame me for not going to those parties though. as much as i want to go, i can't. i don't want to disobey my parents, 'coz i know it's wrong (and also disobeying the commandments)...it's like telling your parents straight in the face that you hate them, and although sometimes i just hate them telling me what to do and what not to do, i can't be here where i am without them, i wouldn't be the person who strives hard to not only make them proud, but to strive hard for my goal: to be a professional doctor. or a scientist, i haven't made up my mind yet.

you can't make everything your way. nothing in life is fair, not even the rite awards ceremony, on which i refused to believe that i got rite award, i refused the idea of me getting that award, 'coz i know that i don't deserve it, i'm not asking for praise and rewards or pity here.

nothing in life goes anyone's way, not even billionnaires.

[/end rant]

well. i guess that's out of the system. there's still a lot to go.

and xin ying, i'll try to be less emo. :D

auf wiedersehen,
mariel

[edit 1 September 2008: I am not on anybody's side on this part. While my side seems similar to XY's side, I'm not entirely supporting hers, nor am I supporting Amanda's. Please understand that, like always, my loyalties are always stuck in the middle.

But that doesn't mean I'm neutral.

thnks. bye. those c3 idiots won't know what hit them. I said nothing! *whistles innocently*]

>.> <.<

linked all the people for the tagboard, although i know some links haven't been updated yet.

beijing olympics' closing ceremony wasn't as awesome as the opening ceremony. you might say otherwise, i don't really care.

i guess they just rushed it through and paid more attention to the opening ceremony, i dunno. don't ask me, i am not one of the organizers.

i have a lot of work to do...
>finish a little sketch-thing for someone
>homework *faints*
>studyyyyyyy
>something for my desk...it seems so bare.
>err...most awesome class desk design competition?
>iron my uniform
>something, i forgot.

and i feel so stressed. i wonder how huy ever keeps up with the mess. i dunno, i think i am gonna die in this place by stress. i'm even guessing students face more stress than their parents. i dunno if it's fair, though, each has good sides to each story.

yesterday, in catechism class, there was this talk about the ten commandments, examining one's conscience (or something) and a bit about the beatitudes. afterwards we got scolding for causing a ruckus in the chapel...and amanda and i were late for warden duty due to a very long sermon about our attitude..then something about the upcoming youth rally, which lasts until around 10. i feel stressed by just this, but that's not my point.

i've been feeling self-hatred lately, and hints of...i dunno...*scrambles mind for word, but gives up*...something about giving up.
i dunno...i guess it's something about my marks and stuff. i haven't been paying much attention, and i see no motivation in school anymore.

heck, i don't really deserve that rite award. i'm more of an irresponsible, idiotic, loner...whatchamacallit. (this ain't my emo mood yet, i can go even more emo.)

i have no control over my emotions, i've let my temper out of control lately. i don't like how scary i look when i'm angry, how my eye twitches when i'm very furious and stuff...i don't like it...it makes me do things i'm not quite aware of and will try not to do if i'm pretty much in a good mood...plus my uncrontrollable mouth which starts saying vulgarities at random moments...it's more of a somehow-impulse-thingy...i dunno.

i guess i'm not ok. no, i'm not sick, but i just don't feel well.

*bonks head into wall*

they said self hatred is somehow killing my own spirit. i dunno anymore.

i need my crazy back. even though you've seen me crazy the past few days, that wasn't crazy-crazy, that was forced-crazy. just so you know.

even though craziness might mean me not thinking straight, 'coz all i've been thinking about is heading for another dead end.

anyway, ending this post.

oh yeah, expect another rant on people on my next post. things might just look a bit messy. so to clear my head, which is polluted with problems. *cough*

sayonara,
mariel -_-"

hello again, my little compy.

sorry to people who i haven't linked yet. i will link you, but now isn't the time. probably when i'm not rushing on a post.

i'm not supposed to be blogging, my parents object to the whole idea. it doesn't make anything better especially if your mother is someone who gets suspicious easily or your brother is such a suck-up, wanting to be parents' pet, wanting me to be in trouble sometimes...but he can be quite sweet most of the time. i guess that's just how youngest siblings behave, or is it just me?

oh yeah. my parents objecting to the whole blogging thing. they have this certain mindset that most bloggers are just immature fools who write nonsense. ok, i'll say some people actually do that.

but not all bloggers are immature idiots. and not all blogs are filled with sick stuff, and blogs aren't mostly owned by emos.

not all bloggers are like the ones you read in the newspaper who get jailed 'coz they wrote something...err, rude, or something.

i blog because i want to. i have rights, do i?

blogging is not wrong, as long as you use it the right way.

though i'm not sure if i am using it the right way. am i?

i dunno. i guess it's up to the reader to decide.

anyways...i still have a lot more to say, but i must be off!

adios, 'till the next post,
mariel (posting in the tagboards as !Lolzx~MarielAnnE...why such a ridiculous name? i dunno also.)

ehehehe...

you see the post below? yes, i just posted it minutes ago.

i was really angry. i couldn't scribble it in my "purple notebook" 'coz, it ran out of pages *sobs*.

but come to think of it, nothing good comes out when you tackle stuff in an angry way. should've taken stuff more calmly.

i am hoping not to do something like this one day. and hope never to hear another vulgarity to come from my bro's mouth.

what do they teach in schools nowadays?

oh yeah, one qn: if you were elected as president/prime minister/queen/*insert ruler title* of some country(choose from: china, singapore, usa, united kingdom), what changes will you do to that country?

...and that was one random question from the mind of...umm...*insert poster's name here*. hoping to see results soon.

see ya,
mariel.

oh yeah, something for people to kill the time: CLICK HERE!

hello.

before i start this post, i would like to say that whatever i express in this post are in my own opinions, it may be kinda on the extremes in one way...and this post may be out of the ordinary posts i make.

oh yeah, and on the beijing olympics, go team singapore and team philippines! i support you guys ^^

now on to the story.

you see, something happened in friday that made my temper flare up a bit. i mean my usual tempers would be like occasional rainshowers, but this one was a typhoon. when i got to the scolding part, i knew my eyes were twitching furiously. no, it doesn't mean i have stroke or whatever, my eyes always twitch on extreme emotions...except perhaps joy. yup.

i know you hate me. no need to keep it a secret. i know it by your actions. i know also of your hatred against some of the people i hang out with. how do i know this? i got my associates, lol.
...no, i'm not trying to say that you should be scared, or anything.

...and oh yeah, the feeling of hatred is mutual. i do hide it sometimes...and sometimes the hatred starts to disappear when you're more or less agreeable, but it all comes back when you complain this or that, or act like an immature idiot (more worse than me), or act like you're some ruler of the world or something, or act like a total snob. seriously. it's annoying, in a bad sense of way.

i know you hate me. i couldn't tell why. is it 'coz i get higher marks than you? it doesn't mean i'm smart...one person doesn't get high marks when he is just smart. being intelligent is wasted when you don't put in effort to keep improving yourself, really, i know, 'coz i learn from my past mistakes (and gets continually hammered in the head [not literally] 'coz of my parents.)...i know you have gotten high marks in your psle, but that doesn't mean you have to be so complacent.
and besides, that thing you do in amath class on you trying to drop amath...it's still in its approval stage, dimwit, it doesn't mean you have to stop learning amath entirely. and just 'coz you failed amath in mye in sec3 means the end of the world, it's only the beginning.

secondly, i know you got a lot of friends. i'm not envying you of that, neither of your so-called "popularity". but please, don't use them like they're your minions or something. or ask them to learn to hate someone like me just 'coz you hate me. and don't throw away your other friends like they're old toys. i know how it feels to be ignored, and i've kinda ignored others too in my trying to move out of my "comfort zone"...but seriously. ever since your best friend left, you moved to a new clique. what of you old friends who used to hang out with you? left in the dust. despicable, indeed.

and i know you told one new person in our class to stay away from people like, say, me and my friends? that's not very nice. really. i know we have been quite friendly to new peeps, i guess...i dunno what's going on with your head, really. insecure? that's not an acceptable excuse.

...and your obsession with this one dude in class, even if the guy doesn't like you? seriously. i even pity the guy involved.

plus your constant complaining. waaah, i have to survive every weekday in school hearing your constant complaining. you hate this teacher, this teacher's lousy, books too expensive, what next? ok, i might share the same views bout this teacher, but this teacher's assigned to us and we, the students, can't do anything about it. you don't always get what you want in real life. and who said life was fair?
teacher always absent? ok fine, she's absent most of the time, but instead of trying to learn something on your own while she's gone, what do you do? talk noisily with your gang like it's nobody's business. hello, consideration please? other people are trying to study here, plzthnx.
...but sometimes, i'm quite noisy when the teacher's gone. i know that and you know that. so i guess i'm gonna shut my mouth about this.
books and stuff too expensive? i heard in your country have cheap education, why don't you go back there? if you complain about the stuff here in school, why are you in singapore anyway? i know i hate the boredom here, but there are a couple of stuff that makes me wanna stay here...and its confidential.

...and yeah, bring an extra "sandwich" for emergencies. it's not that heavy, anyway.

....i know this will start a flame war. but i just wanna try to make my point here.
...but that doesn't mean i'm waging war. it's hard to explain everything, if only i was able to express stuff telepathically.

...i'd like a quiet time to myself, for now. i'm feeling quite sick today, and you won't like it if you mess with me on a "feeling-sick" day.

...so i don't want to see:
>flame messages on my tagboard
>your cronies flaming me on the tagboard
>you and/or your cronies flaming me via handphone
>you and/or your cronies ganging up on me in school.
>you and/or your cronies acting in some kind of way that's somehow offending
>and a lot of other stuff that could be a consequence of the stuff expressed in this post.

...and before people ask me whoever the person is that i'm talking about, well, let's talk about it in a more private space, ok?

sincerely don't want to get in a word war,
mariel
[please grant me peace, thank you.]

yo.

heh. i decided to post, since my blog is quite...quiet.

it needs more ruckus.

i really need to have a schedule. i can't go on having to forget this and that...and lose track of this...i'm sick of being scolded. i really am.

i think i'm being deaf with all these yapping, shouting and all this crud. especially if it's the same people every time nagging until you die of...well...nagging boredom.

i am so bored, you know that?

oh ya, look at my very cluttered desk. awesome, no?

but it's supposed to be neat and tidy, like this:


ahh...the sweet mystery of life. ^^


oh yes, dun mind the border on the background of the two pix...it was already there when i went here...never bothered to change it.

now to resume my project-making.

-mariel